Dondeques

When you live in a co-op house, you should not poop with the bathroom door open, no matter how alone...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 15:39:41 +0100

When you live in a co-op house, you should not poop with the bathroom door open, no matter how alone you think you are.

This is so bad. I am literally wearing a scarf today to cover up a cat hickey.

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 19:30:46 +0100

This is so bad. I am literally wearing a scarf today to cover up a cat hickey.

I’m so cold. It’s so cold here in my new house. I left a glass of water on the counter,...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 01:36:47 +0100

I’m so cold. It’s so cold here in my new house. I left a glass of water on the counter, then came back to drink it, and it felt like it had been in the fridge. The water in the shower doesn’t get warm enough. I am in my clothes, a bathrobe, and a hat and I’m still cold. My nose is cold. I’m getting sick. All snuffly, headache-y and sore-throaty. I thought at first it was because of poorly washed dishes, but now I’m thinking it’s the drafty window near my head where I sleep.

I just need to complain a bit. But I know I’m lucky. I can walk, I have a place to live, I can vote. I cried after I voted today, just thinking about how lucky I am to be able to do it, after all the struggles that women went through to allow me to vote. And it’s funny that even now, it still feels like a privilege. I guess actually that’s kind of f-ed up that I still feel grateful to be allowed to vote.

I’ve been presenting myself pretty androgynously and asexually lately. Mostly because...

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 02:25:38 +0200

I’ve been presenting myself pretty androgynously and asexually lately. Mostly because I’m completely confused about my sexuality. It literally varies by the day. So I’m fine with not dating anyone until I figure myself out, but every once in a while, I miss that little rush you get when someone pays you extra attention.

Except I guess what am I talking about—I got hardcore hit on by a woman the other day when I volunteered planting trees. I gave her my number too. But we haven’t exchanged much in terms of communication. But I guess female attention in my male-approval-seeking brain doesn’t count.

So there are my two contradicting paragraphs for you.

I’m 1/4 moved in to my new room. We’re bringing the furniture tomorrow. I brought boxes of clothes today, and after I put them down, I just sat and looked out the window. I felt no excitement, because I know how dangerous that is. Just a timid peace.

Not talking

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 05:46:37 +0200

I haven’t been talking in my sleep at all lately. I’ve found that I only really talk if I’ve been conversing with someone right before I sleep and if I get a solid amount of sleep.

That’s not really interesting, it’s just an explanation for why this blog has gone straight south. No offense to those people who live south of other people.

Road trip

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 03:49:00 +0200

We’re in Omaha right now. The Midwest is a total bullshit place of farms and corn. Look what great stuff the white man did for these once-savage lands.

I just applied for a job as a union organizer in New Haven.

Seanen (Alani’s husband, who I am traveling with) is an absolutely outrageous person. He enjoys talking to people and doing ridiculous things just to see what their reactions will be. In the past few days, I’ve gone from cringing when it happens to watching in amusement. It is making me a lot friendlier, but in my own way, obviously. No getting in people’s faces, just more willing to chat than I normally am.

I haven’t been talking in my sleep lately. Possibly because I’m relatively calm in my life right now and possibly because the battery died on my tape recorder. I didn’t even bring it on this trip.

I’ll update when I can/if anything interesting happens.

Remember your nightmares

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 03:41:02 +0200

“You have to help me to remind you guys to keep remembering your nightmares”.

Who is ready for this?!

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 21:56:26 +0200

Remember the first post I ever made? Where I said that maybe I’d record myself talking in my sleep and blog about it? Of course you do. You remember all of my blog posts.

I have done it. I have gotten a tape recorder, I have figured out how to use it, I have slept, and now here is the result.

It was so strange to listen to myself on tape. I’ve known I say and do crazy things in my sleep, but I’ve never actually heard it for real. It was like the unveiling of a mystery. And under the veil was something extremely stupid.

And now, with no further ado, here is what I said in my sleep last night:

*A loud gasp* Oh, oh, oh what is it, what is it, what is it? *A reassured sigh, goes back to sleep*

And then later:

“Turns from a blob of raw meat into a blob of…pasta. (Then, very quietly) Yummy.”

It is probably obvious to everyone that I’m having a really hard time getting blog posts...

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 03:06:00 +0200

It is probably obvious to everyone that I’m having a really hard time getting blog posts written. I’ve done a grand total of 1 since I’ve been home. This is partly because my blog is based on my life in Spain, and (hallelujah) I am not there anymore. (Fra, I will say again, you are one of the only things I miss).

I have become a big ball of laziness since I’ve been home, and today in particular, I fell into a well of self-pity. Instead of going to work, I went to Dad’s house and pet the cat that lives under the porch, watched Mona Lisa Smile, and cried. It was weird, because it wasn’t that crippling feeling you sometimes get where you can’t move or do anything except cry and feel awful. I just felt totally sad and stupid and, I don’t know, double stupid.

First, Lisa’s daughter and her 5-year-old demon are moving into my dad’s house within a month. That bomb was dropped Friday night at dinner. It is a thorn in my side, but mostly all the shit that could hit the fan in that arena of my life already has, so this is just a small splattering. I just won’t really be able to go to my old house anymore. Actually, this is probably a thing that will really upset me when it actually happens.

Second, my mom is driving me slowly, quietly insane in a way I can’t really put my finger on. It occurred to me today that now is the time to start looking for a job and hopefully move out. Does anybody want a roommate?

Third, Steve and I had a discussion last night about how we should probably slow down. This is the thing that makes me feel outrageously stupid and embarrassed, because I let my heart and daydreams get ahead of my head. I mistook relative comfort with a person for safety and commitment. But he is not ready to commit. He needs to know me better. Which is smart. I have the history of going into relationships somewhat blindly simply hoping it will work. (But there is also an element of blindness when you enter any relationship. You can’t know everything. But admittedly we know very little.) Also, he thought I was a year older than him and seemed genuinely disappointed when I wasn’t. I was like “fuck you”. Because I am smart for my age. 28-year-old people like to hang out with me.

So I am now terrified of rejection. I got so caught up in being happy about something maybe beginning that I forgot to be scared. Now I am scared again. As Brenna said “everything is perfect. What if the one thing that isn’t perfect is that there isn’t chemistry between you two?” That is freaky. I don’t want that to happen. BUT if it does, if this doesn’t work out, I am left being me. And I am pretty content with myself in general, so just being me, myself, and I is not a bad deal. If this doesn’t work out, I think it will just be a short, sharp pain, and nothing more.

Francesca, I know you want a post!

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:42:14 +0200

I cannot gather all of my thoughts into sentences that make sense. But I will try.

Fra, I saw mozzarella en carrozza at a deli here and I had to try it. It was not good. I will make it for real someday for all my friends.

I have been emailing with the girl who will be the auxiliar at my school next year. She’s from Washington state, way on the other side of the country. She says her level of Spanish is pretty good, enough to have a conversation. She also said she has studied some Portuguese so she is “not worried at all about Gallego”. The phrase struck me as arrogant, but I will forgive her. She has no idea what is coming for her. Or, maybe, she will do great and understand everything perfectly. I do hope that for her. It would make her life much, much easier.

I still miss everyone I loved over in Spain. Especially when I’m at home alone at night. I get sad. And when I want to say some silly joke we had, like “que aprovoite”, which no one here would understand because why would they?

So basically I just love two sets of people, one in the US and one in Europe, which means I can never be with everyone I love all at once. But who can ever be with everyone they love, unless the only people they love are on their bowling team or something.

Ok, the blog juices are going. Maybe I can update more frequently and talk about what it’s like re-settling in. Because I know the entire internet is holding their breath waiting to know.

You cannot use the United States and America interchangeably.

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:23:27 +0200

mylifeasafeminista:

The United States is one country, whereas America is two continents with a myriad of unique cultures, languages, geographies, and more.

I said goodbye to Julian, the English teacher, and his wife last night. It’s the last time...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 16:34:17 +0200

I said goodbye to Julian, the English teacher, and his wife last night. It’s the last time we’ll see each other before I leave Spain. He has basically become my Spanish dad in these past few months. I like his wife a lot too, but I’m not as close with her because we didn’t spend the entire year at school together.

I gave him a hug, and immediately started crying. I gave his wife a hug, and as I was saying goodbye to her, he took my face really gently in his hands and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I think he started crying too, because he got in the car right away and said “it’s time to go now”.

I’m going to remember that kiss forever. I feel so sad today, like I’ve lost something.

Krissy, I keep thinking of you on your last day at school, and Andrea, after reading your post, I am...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 23:56:58 +0200

Krissy, I keep thinking of you on your last day at school, and Andrea, after reading your post, I am thinking of you at work on a day you don’t want to be there. And Brenna, I’m thinking of you walking outside when it’s too hot out, and Travis, I’m not sure what you’re doing, but I’m thinking of you, too. And loving you all, and hoping that everything gets better.

I’m thinking of the day when nobody will miss anybody. I know that is impossible, but soon it will be true for us.

Today I said goodbye to the three 16-year-olds that I was very close with. They came to Lugo and we walked around the city, ate dinner, and hung out. It’s mildly weird to do in theory, but I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to them at school, and we’re so close in age and my position is so nebulous that I was just like “fuck it. Let’s hang out”. And that is what we did. It was really nice. They are absolute sweetie-pies and understand my stupid jokes better than most Spanish people I’ve met.

We cried and hugged when we left each other. Two of them cried a lot. I had no idea I left such an impression on them. And I’m amazed at the amount of love they let themselves give me, when they knew I would only pass through their lives for a second.

Last Day

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 13:03:55 +0200

Wednesday was my last day at school. The official last week is next week, but I don’t have any classes because of various activities the kids are doing, so there is no point in me going.

I got several cards from the younger kids, including an actual homemade yearbook from the freshmen. They pasted their pictures and each wrote a comment, and at the back wrote summaries about various things we did this year. It was so absolutely wonderful. When they gave it to me, I was so excited and so happy that I wanted to hug all of them, and started to, but it turned into me giving two kisses on the cheek to all of them, because Europeans don’t really hug.

That sounds kind of weird, kissing a bunch of 14-year-olds, but here it is fine. The day before, when I told the sophomores that I was leaving, all the girls, of their own free will, lined up to give me kisses, so I think it’s normal.

The freshmen girls were totally fine with kisses. Some of the boys were clearly uncomfortable with it, and some of the boys were way too comfortable with it. After I kissed everyone, two of the boys, Manuel and Miguel, came up to me, dead serious, and gave me two more kisses. Then as everyone was leaving, Manuel gave me another two kisses. It was so funny.

That afternoon, before I left the school, I read the yearbook they gave me, and when I got to Manuel’s comment, which was “I am the naughtiest. Thank you” I started crying. Mostly I cried because they are such cute and funny kids and they’ll be such wonderful people. I mean, they already are such wonderful people. And I basically just cried out of happiness that I got to meet and teach such cuties.

Yesterday I went to the coast with my favorite English teacher and his wife. Mostly we just kind of got drunk and talked about ridiculous things. I had an absolutely wonderful time. We are going to see each other again one of these upcoming days, and as we said goodbye, we said “bye, see you soon”. And I realized what a luxury it is to be able to say that instead of “bye, I don’t know when we’ll see each other again”. It makes me teary even thinking about it.

Inconsequential things

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 17:56:13 +0200

Yesterday at school I heard two new additions to the Spanish “I shit on _____” swear construction:

Me cago en vuestras almas: I shit on your souls

Me cago en su mierda: I shit on his/her shit.

On an unrelated note, I’m getting along much better with the teachers at school. I feel much more comfortable there. I’ve even spoken some Gallego to some of them. Because I do actually speak some Gallego.

It can be looked at as a shame that I’m only becoming comfortable now, but I’m certain that it couldn’t have happened any earlier. I needed all that time to get used to these strange people in this strange country. So I will just enjoy the time while it lasts.

On another unrelated note, I asked my Spanish friend to tell me on a scale of 1-10 how funny I sounded speaking Spanish with my US accent. He told me I was an 8 speaking either English or Spanish. I feel like that is about the equivalent of a somewhat-exaggerated French accent while speaking English.

In the past two days I have talked to Andrea and Travis and Krissy and Gina. I am one happy gnome.

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 22:32:21 +0200

In the past two days I have talked to Andrea and Travis and Krissy and Gina. I am one happy gnome.

Love me!

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 01:28:57 +0200

Sooo I should probably just ask for help when I need it, so I’m going to. Remember how when I left for Spain, I was afraid that you (my friends) would forget me? Maybe you don’t remember, but I do. I’ve been feeling like a gloopy glob of doo lately and miss my friends, and I guess honestly, a little bit, I do feel like you are forgetting me.

Now. This has absolutely nothing to do with how you have been acting and everything to do with how I am feeling. It is not that you haven’t been paying me attention (in fact, I feel like I have been receiving a lot lately. I got to talk to Andrea for the first time in forever the other day!). It is that I am super insecure and a little bit panicky in my life right now. And I want love from the people that matter most to me. So if it ever occurs to you to say something to me, or if you want to talk on skype with me (I want to talk on skype with YOU!) then, say so. I guess basically, I just want to talk to everyone on skype this weekend.

Basically, this is not a post in any way to make you feel guilty for all the time you don’t talk to me (which is most of every day, and that’s how it should be). And it’s not a post to make you feel constantly guilty in the future for not talking to me. It is just a post to ask for love, instead of withering into an unloved raisin without having reached out to anyone at all.

And when I say “you”, you know who you are.

I’m not sure how obnoxious this post is. I’m sorry if the answer is “extremely”.

Here I come!

Thu, 31 May 2012 17:05:54 +0200

I am coming home July 30th, in the evening. So get ready!

Now I just have to survive slightly under two months without any cats.

I have so little self-confidence and so little energy left.

Tue, 29 May 2012 15:00:52 +0200

I have so little self-confidence and so little energy left.

15 minutes of just staring at each other.

Mon, 28 May 2012 15:47:59 +0200

Today I tried to do a presentation about US food for the 12 year olds. I was all by myself, without a teacher. They couldn´t be quiet for one minute. I sent some kids out of the room for throwing pencil cases, and finally, with 15 minutes left, I turned off the powerpoint in the middle of it and told them that we would sit in silence for the rest of the class. That is what we did. I folded my arms and stared at them for 15 minutes. I occasionally had to send kids into the hall or to the library, where there was a teacher on guard duty.

It was extremely unpleasant, but it gave me a feeling of competence, that I´m not just a doormat, and that one day I will be able to manage and discipline a classroom.

One problem is that the younger kids view me as a toy—someone from far away who doesn´t speak the language very well, who does fun lessons with them, and who does not give them any homework or grades, and never yells at them. They got a taste of something different today, that is for sure.